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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something9 Q. A9 |% b' x- g0 m, Q
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get4 l0 n. f0 w b
into a regular workout routine." u7 ?6 J$ c, q; G2 q+ c4 n0 ]
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Dear Diary:
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1 S, f* ^# T, kFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
% A4 O* c% W3 P! D: H5 k1 z/ m/ Gweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I' j; E% }! ^* S6 k
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
M2 B% l' R/ x' _; E& ayears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
$ e! Q d) b4 V3 A7 m& J) ]try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
9 d% u' S7 Q, b8 |' F, I; p! r! fnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
# W$ X0 }* ~% E$ M4 U; Binstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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' _; Y1 C+ v0 M$ Y8 ^* h, WMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
$ _8 I0 `/ Y2 R/ ~encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
$ {3 _/ |7 G7 X' y9 mworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for" E$ W6 S L5 A6 M& o
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing1 i! A$ k% y3 ~0 a4 J- S) ^
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
7 x0 g7 L3 r0 o5 _* g gthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
9 K& j, b' ~# Y2 f: I# Oin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
! G5 v6 }7 g9 W+ ~0 Jwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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* \4 U# _& Z$ t: P+ ?Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
8 v! Y g6 F1 [+ K& d Y+ h7 Y" palthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
5 B# w7 ^ M1 ^2 U- X/ Uwas around.: ?6 I8 t! Z5 j+ ~
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY: P; J8 ?. w7 {+ {) q$ F) ?8 Y3 \) b
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.6 _5 m0 p/ u: s. ?: f$ i) J
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
* t+ W# a: X2 band then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the) W4 l0 n) k! a: o1 L* Z
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it$ W P/ r" B/ x* B2 f; E; m* D
all worthwhile.
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9 b* ]% J+ I$ b6 n5 rI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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, ?, G3 {$ I; y# DWEDNESDAY:
! {1 u/ ~* x# R0 e' A, _The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
& j9 W7 a! s) N5 k8 pthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
3 O3 ^/ A* |* R2 ` Va hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to2 u) g; v6 i6 _* G- ^1 H
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams6 n, T4 k4 H/ z) S- G- m
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
; y b4 B3 R0 V6 ^# Dearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
. X9 `7 r ~2 N+ U6 Uthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so, _7 A( l5 d* q2 G$ R7 i+ \
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a/ _- U/ l/ l, w/ _" S
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
& O- b6 u# S6 P# f/ K$ D: K1 ~) dtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.3 ~0 Q' ]6 g* k/ w0 g) n
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY: ?' D7 f1 a% b9 k
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
3 J! U, s4 v1 E! vher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
/ H& s7 u& k6 u+ Kbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
# m) Y" A1 U6 mtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and9 y7 K3 Y* }2 K/ X. [* u
hid in the men's room.. E0 \! ?: N- X$ I. B9 z% _0 h4 f) Z6 d
* i9 h* }& Z$ r, V# {! ZShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
# B# K5 `7 O2 B/ F+ ~. umachine -- which I sank.$ a- ~' m) u% X) D2 m% b
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FRIDAY:/ O( y$ i! a' ~. k% n) C% t
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
# u7 M3 S) c0 h: D0 H( Aany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,3 N4 k- [) I, a
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
# N( s G% O5 _+ ]could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda! j7 ]: l" J: Y7 F3 e6 w
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!5 k( Z* @' L) k" L2 R8 E
: |1 M1 y. m- f2 @& r. W9 oAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me. ?% R7 W5 l, I1 S$ _% `; _% P
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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5 T( y$ y7 ^; Y: ^7 B* l) xThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
% C1 x- ?# p/ _+ l$ C( H7 P& u6 _/ k" Ateacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach& Y+ b6 S2 i U; z7 a
or the choir director?
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9 i, t: I8 C N9 a4 d) E1 o+ xSATURDAY:
9 q. m ~- S ABelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,; N4 J: E3 x7 R& L. [! m, o
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
8 H }% w& w1 Y( {- k/ _ tmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the: B" F: H5 z5 A0 A1 l( g& \* V) h
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight3 W, z( \' ~: B7 t2 i
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
& R* H4 F( A% x+ ?" w1 m* ZI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go t4 T$ C% F4 w% z n3 ]: a
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,1 H/ N) J* G: R
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
+ [/ y" s# h# p8 fa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
