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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
8 b# Q' M( J$ e, ^7 _5 s0 W; v/ Y,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
2 \6 ?& ^; Z, U  x+ e. I) K% a( ?零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . # ^# m% E9 f' n9 Z- |
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.1 H. w) e  J7 T% l
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.) F3 q) d- s$ m6 m0 ?
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.1 ^7 W" C9 N9 x. i& ~! n5 j
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.& y% F7 {4 H# X/ Q
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.6 A/ m1 p! L; `6 h0 |
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
+ l2 \- Y% O1 e+ l/ F( w+ m4 |我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
+ @: v+ W. w$ j: \) E0 n那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。2 m/ {2 ~+ w" Z0 }1 y# |
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream." p( Z  q; E9 Y/ [" @; [' u
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
( k4 i, n6 c3 P想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
7 c2 u  o9 G+ p$ `4 @最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
" p! b! {9 c) b! e2 c- e寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?" f% Q) U4 `. ]8 i  d* Z: J) x
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
# ]! ]8 O% g: c迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
7 Y/ g$ U- O. @* Y* V最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
2 Q( l) `6 m' a4 S多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?$ H- R8 E, Z9 _; N; l
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
+ t# B* C  ?; p! M+ A' s多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously9 I3 }) v- X& K  |
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.# U! Y) w+ D, t' y: [) |
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
# B3 L. D& I) ]+ M* g: u为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
' _. v% R6 s. ^  c多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
6 _- n  Z* [$ r5 A  T! e永难平息的泪* [2 Q, {. y; Q- j% k! z" ]0 l
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes* _( `5 J2 z. Q* V# d9 s
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
; Y' d& |8 l2 O% w! M; @当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.) J3 I) I, b! o4 u$ ]; ]3 `5 O
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,  u, o7 n. q9 q7 C
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
* j3 ]+ A$ @0 I9 i3 j, y( r一抹微笑;: I# x( `0 w+ S
一个手势;
, B& g. z  O+ c一片话语,1 U) |( W, x# C( s
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
% J0 h9 c' r4 F. a2 [5 l明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner) D2 l* m4 Q- f1 P9 S8 _/ |
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
  }$ @) |; o# {5 ~) m这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling7 U: X8 l7 y" \( s. S
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
( ~# H, k$ T3 f起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
; f6 a- v9 J1 Z+ v/ j6 Y3 k. n  P" F我并不以为然。3 r! L) d2 C6 [4 m1 }6 d
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed + S5 P" P- @/ d6 U, C: i" U0 V
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .7 _- S9 N7 N! J0 b6 L
被一种情绪所左右,
/ C9 s% j5 T# i4 x: @总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .! o1 K; c" Z/ F9 M5 i
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you4 l. j% T$ k- a! C( Z
也不问我是否喜欢你,
2 m7 R) Q+ Z' V* c" r% F6 F- J对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.1 B" f1 ~# B. e# C
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
# Q  w( L- z: c2 R/ y! r( [8 F3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you+ J  S/ c. j8 ~/ m- P' T9 z
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil4 [4 g. g4 R5 x! U9 f  S: M
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ( _7 V, f. ]- {! G
你的身影已化成一种氛围,; ~  ?6 Z  B8 n+ p  k: P
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
: v  }8 H0 M' C* E% {. ?你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
5 Q" n. P. D! p: g$ D% y随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
# ?7 M" F; \% n$ i' _哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
4 }2 D4 P( X8 ^一种声音,and your voice
$ X/ w' Y2 p' f  \也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
# l" d7 h* h( z3 P# M) C' v6 Y掺杂著幸福的感觉。
; i8 |" U* c6 o: G6 ~与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
1 Y; z6 ?8 |& ~1 i象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
, z+ x3 F+ Q( m" I/ r! I倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
, Q5 ~) y1 l- o5 C. s纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。6 v. h. B7 |- v4 L: F5 A
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss3 ]+ i# _- Q* a5 H. L
有一个能够让思念的人,4 a- e& }- m  o- L0 q
其实也是一种幸福。6 \3 |. A8 l7 p  B' N% R
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 2 e* K5 W7 y% W  S# C2 X
柔柔的海风,
# G; o! T! L% ^7 Q* b甜甜的夏天。9 ^0 Q: v! u* K
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy   K: w) A9 k, k5 S
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly." ?) H, d0 o8 a6 x# m; X- K* E
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.$ O* ^8 W' T# x
想和你有共同的情结,2 p( S9 C+ {1 v$ G- ~+ ^) B9 j
共同的心愿。
' z) l; F% e4 Z4 G% l8 c
4 @+ H3 w5 ^2 D+ {% ^/ [; x1 y& ?& u' \9 M1 M) V
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
0 r! @* b" j/ r3 \% S一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
4 l4 T5 v/ G3 ~9 S" b7 i2 @" M; q" K或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
6 d  ]# v( \0 E, n" w! ]或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.. o0 N$ Z! s) ^4 |% m
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
/ m# K0 m$ j8 r* q7 Z% r我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 9 y3 L, |& H% V- [
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”/ _* |( }* r1 _! K0 f/ b2 E: C- f
或是轻轻的一吻,
0 E; X5 \2 \1 M$ N" @. Y8 \- {9 E2 u再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
! c0 V  z; w+ E. s8 w5 D就足够了. That is enough.
6 F7 l% `6 |, R4 M( m0 {4 [( D这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
; v3 x6 R- b. h5 g7 P6 @终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
8 f  {* s/ N6 z4 ~萌出了芽,) @: N$ Q0 c9 m
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing8 v- |: ~" S3 V' u1 X! d! _  v! O
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.& I) Y* a3 v- G9 w. q+ i
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
; [! Y2 [8 y, S! H% z& V能够牵著你的手,
% E5 W% C1 D9 K$ O* I9 f! m  t那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.* O% |9 w1 E" F( b
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. ) S8 ~2 r- B. ^+ h' P! V
慢慢地细读,
( Z: n3 M2 q2 A3 X# d; Q3 Y我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
" Y$ H7 q: n; @7 T在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
. }" d3 S+ ]; R0 B3 P3 y6 p我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor # Z2 X1 l1 \1 n$ @  Y5 [! t4 T" e
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:! L: X# Y" h) t, C
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
% D0 J$ A3 S6 J3 [5 Z: X眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.2 }. i5 T$ o. s  B# ?
change to:lacked+ M3 w3 P, a4 Y8 O- i" F. f
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
& K7 i- n# m$ n; yCats often played at the whole hot night.
9 m+ [* Z& u& w3 q 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及/ I; a' x9 E+ o3 E* t0 s
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
8 T" M& o' d- X0 {$ a0 k8 KI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. + O# ]$ u$ _5 {% ^
该为:throughyour hands.% A. W6 V5 Z9 A6 @
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
) [' a4 l2 f* E不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
5 p2 t" C) p+ C7 e  W3 \. V9 E至少比我强。
5 ?6 z( E- }" d& V1 ~. m: D偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... : M; G! \% R* W0 V$ o- f# E$ k5 q  t

6 j! y  G5 W1 W这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。4 P; J# R2 U8 ?
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.6 U* S+ k- Z/ i0 E
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.5 n( j# u% y1 m$ V$ }
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:+ T2 f9 v1 n$ J0 r. W
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
- z$ B2 V$ J( v0 e# B# w* rPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.7 Y, q5 I- P# n3 H6 p
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.6 `& t* K8 Z0 i3 y# Y
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
8 X* Q4 e- T- q! u# OSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
2 }2 C9 X8 N$ |Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:( [3 y* W* {" Y; `
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
4 g% P( I) A9 S3 xlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
6 L- a2 }* e& w3 V7 GI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.& {9 ~" z. p) O9 w) ?
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.4 ~0 X- p! h0 \) O) J/ Q
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
& L9 N! a. Q- J4 |2 o* d  cI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.( {# Q) r+ o+ ^% e- m
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild./ Q4 A( J- i, V; i0 Q
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
6 X) Z' {5 E# m: l: Z; t. [4 jIntoxicated then feel cold,! C8 h: {# d! Y. F4 o3 }% o
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.2 {) R( R% h! j' {
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.4 `1 r: _4 W: G% o. o) I
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?5 f8 [8 I, U0 }  Q% h, i: I
Why I am always hoodwinked!
  t  f4 v% U0 z1 @- ]I have told myself many times cautiously
5 c  C: y# J2 P: Qdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
: C: Q( G4 |+ @+ K, CThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
( s! Q; w7 h, SWhy can`t I take it easy?
5 l1 l- ]8 X8 I3 o% T6 v* OHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!+ E: t! N" |8 c; Z& T$ K
When the quiet night comes9 p( I, s$ t* A* d
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.: }( z( y. k. N" n0 o6 n
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
4 I' k* i2 f7 y; SYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,, f9 W; h3 h6 y2 o
light the dark corner in my mind.$ S* b6 l0 {2 t" C0 V. g
I feel a bit of cozy.
% w8 ^: Y! |3 v4 q# tThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
3 a! b/ F  @* _maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.( [& P& s$ f0 ]# ?; L* k2 G% F
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,; i8 D& X7 _& G) F* s( o/ Y
but accompanying with the time passed" B4 f! o8 h8 I' Z
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,- J1 S& P# A4 i2 S9 x
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.  p! [# `) v2 \  h
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
% e$ G" N, D' [! [% M, Q; ronly feel gracious for your existing,
4 ?2 w5 M% e1 I* ^+ |" ]/ m4 X- [onlt want to do something for you." s/ q4 c* c8 o& r; W
Every time when you meet me
' m7 W+ h+ ~) |4 F' Y6 q2 kthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,( z$ O% S) I( q) p: g: K' E% J
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere: M9 O- b. L& A" v  x. Z& M
That live in my heart.3 N% {/ C; b. f) W1 }% |6 _( y# w
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?- h9 t4 i  {% p' p/ z6 p" w
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice- t6 U2 f* I. b% g6 \
make me gently distraught with happy feeling., ^8 ^& e. Y/ C/ ~+ I/ C
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
8 d. s3 }3 O, ?+ T# vsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.+ l0 X; D# o9 G. M
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
5 `+ Z3 g  ], z4 }, u3 G  N5 pespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer., B7 n+ ?9 |, n
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
: X8 B5 ^" ~- ~+ z/ l. ionly waiting for you quietly1 j0 \+ O+ H& Z" [% c1 _; R8 y
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do./ j2 v3 _1 o$ M" [/ D# {6 W
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
# B5 N& G; Q! @" E; h# ]  ~and enjoy the rain washing together/ Y7 w( t- ^4 z
or rush to a film
5 u! f8 V  M" A0 d! A. T4 Qor listen to a music quietly.% X; N. t8 q6 ?% a2 D
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
  L7 N* T( p7 `$ a# Q- XIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
2 O0 F) t- E+ n/ V% u0 J# R: psmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".& z, K3 Z9 `' O) g
That is enough.
; t" h/ J/ |* [# P5 y& fMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
7 Z5 L' S' n2 V3 Sfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
4 F2 t$ P" ~6 [0 c) |+ z: zthe same as my missing.2 i: c  ?$ \8 R* ^' ]2 ]% x
It comes a little bit of verdure.
0 n6 w; p: `) R5 o0 h. `If, If some day I can touch your hand,
1 Y  ^! U& P# B% I! x+ Gthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.8 p  M7 _1 ~( u4 Z2 W4 p
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.# ?9 P4 _# _5 {3 m* }( ]7 {: q/ F% [
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.3 }" c6 L7 ]8 J3 }9 I6 V
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
: P  }/ ]. E2 \$ v$ Dthen I will have all care and ardor.
5 |4 ?  v  z8 _, c% s; YShall we walk arm in arm?
* w; b: d; ~2 J8 F5 v+ Q呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
& d9 o5 ]4 H/ s" J- G# O1 OLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
3 ^! t4 W& }' [I am still the same person of yesterday.
! U* T2 W: `6 X+ Y7 |Unchanged name, unchanged I.0 y/ S4 E9 j; b
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. " a/ T! P/ }* k5 s9 X1 N- V
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.) E; X; L6 [" e' X' I0 L' A
More or less,' i0 u, Y! R+ W  O, p
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
) W7 Z# Z: D1 Z. p% V; b2 b# m) `: c$ K# B2 `7 u
Summer easily slips away- y9 l, K" T! O+ ~# r" m( b
Those long lost hot nights4 n6 s& z. Z) ^! S+ Q
can only be found in the old days. / a" b4 S# K% M9 q* ]

2 w1 ~3 `# Q9 m+ XCats jumping over the window sills,
7 Y& ]7 R+ A3 X/ F: \1 ychasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 $ Y1 z, l+ ~* y! ~" ~" y5 ?# Q3 e
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
2 ^) y! i# |0 h4 ^Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
0 ]0 C5 K* L  t; |- HI am still the same person of yesterday.
. W# C9 m( s/ ]/ z8 DUnchanged name, unchange ...

% e" s. u; X9 s- q
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
! C7 W. F8 a# F0 K3 X) c  r( l5 JGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
% C4 _& G9 q; kLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.6 q5 F( p5 d, ~: o8 ~3 a8 h
I am still the same person of yesterday." ~6 ?8 }( i' {0 M
Unchanged name, unchange ...
+ ^  {) q! ~& r4 @4 ~- E% J
i like it.
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