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本帖最后由 竹帘儿 于 2010-10-25 18:28 编辑 + `9 f/ m9 i3 N* q2 Y3 s
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我家有个坏脾气的小子，虽然才刚两岁，但是已经让大人很难对付。# o( u c! ~# A! b2 g$ J1 g5 [' J( {
- f! E% I% b3 |/ r9 S今天看到一个幼教论坛的讨论，真的觉得很有收获，很有启发！
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首先是题目就吸引了我：Once my 5 year old loses it, I can't get things back under control0 R7 _ T# ?6 g/ K4 `' F P5 v. p
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=1262293
8 ]3 T O" j8 L* a这个简直就是我前段时间的写照（虽然我的孩子才两岁）2 Q% e: G* _8 K* y- Y. j
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回帖的父母都相当的有见识，有知识，里面也推荐了好几本书。我也获得了很多新信息，因为内容很多，我随便说说，想哪儿说到哪儿：6 s, K i! s' G
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1.比如，很多人的孩子在0-3岁时都是好宝宝，但是学龄时突然变成暴躁脾气了。以前只知道trouble 2，想着熬过2岁就出头，看来不是这样的。各个时期孩子都有可能脾气突变。3 U. C) t+ {% b8 H- C
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2. 有什么原因trigger这些坏脾气的爆发呢? 有一点，我觉得非常真实，就是“低血糖“，就是孩子饿的时候。我注意到我家孩子如果早上吃的不够多，在snack附近的点数就特别容易loose it。
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3. 孩子这样做是因为他们还在试探你的底线吗？不是，一个人引用了一本书的观点:it advocated that these kinds of kids ALREADY know the tantrum is futile and they are ALREADY motivated not to have them, but lack "executive functioning" in figuring out what to do in the midst of frustration. So rewards/punishments (additional motivation) aren't helpful in these kinds of children. If they could do better, they WOULD be doing better, but this is all they got at the moment.
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4.那么面对这样的孩子应该怎么做呢，讨论的大部分人都认同两个重要原则即： unconditional love(sympathy) and futility .
, w a/ p7 W" x2 n# Y这个妈妈的用一个实例来阐述这两个原则：# i, f* S8 ^& p7 i7 D& i% I3 I
Since your dd seems to meltdown often, I would talk about ways to handle conflict, etc, and then put the ball in her court. I would tell her how her screaming makes me feel, and I would set some boundaries for myself. I would give her a heads-up and a reminder before we started an activity, and ask her if she's up for it. If she isn't, we'd move on. If she says she IS, then the consequence for rage would be putting whatever it is away. No amount of screaming and tears would change my mind. The lesson would NOT be "you get stuff taken away if you throw a fit", but "I love you too much to let you be so upset about this. You were not ready, so we need to try another day." Heavily emphasized.
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My goal is to teach her to work with herself. We all have boundaries, and we all need to know when to pull in the reins. % E+ s0 F+ I6 d. _; }! `* d" N
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5. 另外里面把大人对孩子爆发脾气的手段分为两种，disconnect reaction 和 connect reaction。 # k$ r6 B+ G7 s' _2 ~8 `
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The Kids, Parents, and Power Struggle book is more about finding the underlying emotions causing the misbehavior or the power struggle and dealing with them instead of the more visible surface issue. It also focuses on having responses that connect with your child instead of disconnect. The importance being placed on everyone feeling emotionally ok when the conflict is resolved instead of you, the parent, have won the power struggle. （我把这段高亮，因为正好sweetlele跟花露水同学前两天关于这个有讨论，而我完全同意同意这里引用的观点）
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I guess with your specific situation you could have asked her why it was so important to have a black marker. Then asked her what she thought could be done about the situation to make it work. Sending a child to their room alone is a disconnect type of reaction, so is punishing for an emotional outburst. Telling your DD "we don't scream and cry to get what we want" assumes she isn't genuinely upset and frustrated. Maybe saying "wow you are really upset.", then asking questions to see if you could find out why she's so upset would have been more connecting. Disconnecting actions often escalate emotional outburst while connecting actions can help the child work through the issues that caused them.
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% q: v J" q+ y# d6.还有一点相当关键，我个人经验更是感同身受，就是这类脾气的小孩常常非常的sensitive，他们在发完脾气后其实需要更多父母的爱的表达。而对这样的孩子，惩罚型的手段常常无用，反而总是更激怒他们，让局势升级。这样的孩子需要connect型的手段。我前段时间已经在我儿子身上发现，每次闹完后他都需要我抱他，亲他很久。而在闹的过程中，如果我能把他紧紧抱住，脸贴着脸，居然50%的情况下能让他平静下来！6 t8 g& B+ |$ F1 K4 ~
$ b# o' |7 Z, s) H总之这个帖子虽然只有两页，但是信息量巨大，期望能对大家有帮助。 |
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发表于 2010-10-24 19:35
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